Apparently

I don't update.

Crapola, it's been a couple of years....

I will post shortly.

Skippy

Thought you'd want to see the dog.
Isn't he adorable?

Another mouse story or two

So, quite a few years ago, I was babysitting in a relatively new house. While I was getting a juice box for Michaela, I noticed the mouse trap on the floor in the closet. I just sort of shrugged it off and thought nothing of it until I noticed a second one under the kitchen cabinets. "This could get hairy" I thought to myself.

Well...flash forward to a few hours later, while I was watching TV I heard a "SNAP", followed by a nasty screeching noise. Yes...you got it... there was a mouse in the trap under the cabinets. and...it was still alive... he had only been partially caught, so he was flipping around.

I didn't know what to do, so I covered it with a paper towel, and turned up the TV so I didn't have to hear it.

When they got home, I told them that they had caught a live one, and "good luck with everything". I was so not coming back.


A few years later-
I was living in my grandparent's house, alone... during the winter. It was an old house that creaked and popped randomly. There was a back room for dry storage, and a root cellar that no one ever used.
Now, I admit that I am a very brave person from 6am-until-10pm. After 10pm... I'm done, I'm a complete wuss.
I was up late one night, playing Slingo on the computer in the kitchen when I heard a noise in the back room. It didn't scare me, but it did bring my awareness to the movement going on in the room. Trying to ignore it, I went back to the game. Yeah, right. That's like your friend saying "Hey, don't look but, that guy has his penis out" I mean, you may not look, but it's all you'll think about...especially if you like penis...but I digress.
So, the noise... it just gets louder and louder. I can't really explain what it was, maybe a scratching and squeaking noise...but like I said...after 10pm, I'm a wuss. I left the computer on, grabbed my boots and went upstairs.
Why did you grab your boots, you ask? Well, the way I saw it, if something was going to get me, I was going to be able to kick my way out of it. I had a good kick back then. Also, if there was going to be a dead animal in the house, I wasn't going to step on it with my bare feet. (and I just didn't like the thought of something bitting on my toes.)
I got upstairs and did my usual routine- brush my teeth, pee, and barricade my door. yes, that's right, barricade my door. Each night, I would close my door and put books in front of it..so I would be warned if someone was coming in. I also slept with a wire hanger under the extra pillow. (I was 22, living alone, near Boston, cut me some slack) See, the wire hanger was to stun the would-be assailant... I would smack him around with the hanger and then go out the window to safety.
More digressing... sorry, so I get into bed and call my folks...

"Hey mum- can mice climb stairs?"
"No, Kris. Go to bed"
"Ok...good night"

and that was that.

So the next morning, I went and peeked in the back room and saw that something had gotten into the flour..there was flour all over the place. That's it. I never heard from the thing again. Well...not that thing. about 2 months later a raccoon got into the root cellar and made a pantload of noise. But I handled that well. I just locked the door- you see, I had the only key.

More of the mouse

More of the mouse


Well, my sweatshirt was hanging off of the chair in front of the desk, so I grabbed it and shook it out, and the frigging mouse jumped off the chair and ran, in a big loop, under the fridge. Of course...I screamed like a little girl. I was totally ready to jump up on a chair and gather my skirt around my knees, like they did in the old Tom and Jerry Cartoons.

Terri called me back to see how things are going, and I told her that the mouse is under the fridge, and that things should be ok. She tells me that Rick just wants to buy some traps, she told him NO. Thank god...I don't need to go through that again...(I'll tell you about that some other time.)

So I went to the sink to wash the lunch dishes, the sink is opposite the fridge where the wee rat is living, I started to wash the sink and at one point I moved my foot and brought it down on a part of the rug that was bunched up, and I swear to god, I thought I stepped on the mouse. Again...more screaming, but this time, I put on my sneakers, tucked my pants into my socks and finished washing the dishes. Such a wuss.

There's a Rat in the kitchen...

Ok. Now this isn't even funny.

There's a mouse in the house. Well, not in my house, in the house I work in. A little brown furry mouse. With big pointy teeth, and wee beady eyes.

So, the phone rang at work this afternoon, when I went to the little desk next to the fridge, I saw something scurry across the top. I thought it was a roach, equally gross, but I can squish a roach and not feel bad. I grabbed the phone and saw that it was Terri. She asked how things were going and I told her that the girls were good, but I was freaked out. So, I told her that there's a mouse in the kitchen. She's got panicky, and asked if I was ok...I told her yes, it's a little mouse, I'm fine (yeah right). So she gets off the phone and calls Rick and an exterminator. Good.

From a while ago... but still funny

So, last night I came home from a rigorous 12 hour scrapbooking day to find my husband drunk, wearing headphones, watching wrestling. Really, very drunk. He told me that he had had 5 beers in an hour or so. (Mike is a light weight, so after 2 beers he's usually obliterated.)

"5 Beers, WOOOOOOOOOOO"- says Mike, at 10:30 PM, rather loudly.

Ever see "Old School"? You know, when Frank "The Tank" funnels his first beer- "It tastes so good when it hits your lips" - I can only imagine that that's what Mike was doing before I got home.

Now, I'm going to have to lock up the liquor cabinet before I go out.

OY

I really should post more

So, the visit went well with the Animal Shelter- I know... it was 2 months ago. We got the dog. He's fantastic, although, he seems to like to eat carpet. Not that carpet... you sicko.

His name is Skippy. We got him when he was about 5 months old. We aren't really sure what kind of dog he is, however, the words crazy or retarded come to mind. He barks at his reflection in the fireplace. And gets really angry.. so of course, I egg him on...I like to throw his toys right in front of the fireplace, so he just slowly creeps up to get them... trying to beat the "other dog" to it. He gets all worked up, his hair stands up, he growls and then snatches the toy away before the "other dog" gets it. And then, he acts stunned because the "other dog" has the same toy...hmmm.... Like I said...retarded.

He sleeps on our bed, or under it, which ever suits him for the evening. He has terrible gas, and likes to blame it on me. Like he looks at me after he farts as if to say "What the hell have you been eating lady?" A lot like my husband....

He's cute. He has golden fur, like a retriever, and webbed paws. So he has to be some sort of retriever...but then he looks like a husky... with pointy uppie ears and a curly tail. When we got him they told us he was a golden retriever/terrier mix, and I could understand that- he looked scraggly like a terrier, but as he's gotten older, I see more of a husky or something. Anyway- I like to tell people that he's a dingo... they just smile and back away.


Enough about Farty ass... let's talk about this house. Things are going well, my inlaws visited a little bit ago, and my father in law did a pant load of mulching... with my poor husband. Not his idea of a vacation. I adore my inlaws- but this was too much. No one was getting along- younger sister mad at mom, mom mad at younger sister, older sister neglecting her kids, mother upset with older daughter, daughter in law seeking solace in a bottle...at 8 am.

Family Vacations suck. They never work out. Unless you are under 12, then it's ok...but once you get over 12, you should just get a nanny and go away separately. I know this, because I used to be a nanny for a family that had awesome family vacations. i got to go to fun places and get paid to be there...and I kept the kids busy, and away from each other. (another bonus...I got to use the vacation properties in lieu of pay sometimes)

What else... oh... we've made friends with the family across the street. We've become the people we wanted to be... having dinner at each other's house, going grocery shopping together, playing Cranium on Saturday nights... an honest-to-God, grown up friendship. And... It's kind of like a Lucy and Ethel relationship...just with more vulgarity. I think we spend most of our time outside talking in the street, gossiping about our neighbors. We live near the real live Beavis and Butthead... seriously.

One day I will tell you about those boys... but, I've run out of time and energy...so until next time...

"Mom....MEATLOAF!"

-go see "Wedding Crashers"

This is why I'm crazy

This is why I'm crazy

Real Quick... why don't they allow me to say that I am a huge U2 fan in my profile?? What's up with that?

Ok friends, it seems that the rain has broken...finally. I couldn't believe it when I saw the sun today... I soaked up it's glorious rays... I didn't wear sunscreen, and I, against 4 out of 5 doctors advice, looked directly into the sun. Yeah...I'm living on the edge.
Speaking of The Edge.... Did you know I went to the concert on Tuesday...oh you did...oh. Nevermind.

I went for a facial today... I love Elizabeth Grady. I always feel so foo foo when I go there...even though I am SO not a foo foo person... I'm more like a higher level white trash person who likes Coach Purses. (I buy them Obsessively....it's a sickness)
So, anyways, back to Elizabeth Grady- I had their Harvest Facial...which cost's a fortune, but feels great and smells like Thanksgiving...without the turkey. During the facial, Lisa, the esthetician, wiped my eye, and when she did, it shifted my contact lens, which in turn slid somewhere into my sinus...at least that's what it felt like.
If you have contacts, you know what I mean. I decided that I could live with it until she left the room during the "Let the Mask Set" phase of the program. That was only about 5 minutes later, so I could handle it.
I totally forgot that my hands were all lubed up and in little baggies. Yeah, I'm not going to go into how that looked...let's just say the short bus should be coming to pick me up soon.

I can't believe it's already the end of the month. My anniversary is on Tuesday. I haven't bought anything for my husband yet... and well... I have NO IDEA what I should give him. It's kind of silly... I know he doesn't care what I get, just as long as I love him...or some happy bullshit like that. Last year was easy, I bought him a Hammock. Something he wanted but would never buy for himself. (Of course, I think I ended up using the hammock more than him, but it's ok.... it's the thought that counts)

Well, that's it for now...I will have to post again later... I'm having a visit from the Animal Shelter at 5 o'clock... yeah...to see if I am suitable to be a Dog Owner....whatever.

A way long overdue update

Ok...So it's been 3 months since my last confession...er...um... Update...
Let's see, where to begin...

Well- I got my results for my body scan...(I got them on Monday... yeah- 3 months later). Things look good...maybe... they want to take a closer look at the films... what ever.

My OB/GYN is leaving the practice...she's opening her own Laser Skin treatment center... hmm... that's an interesting job change... I guess you can only look into the caves of nastiness for so long. Her patients should take it as a hint... time for depillitory treatment. TRIM THE HEDGES!

I can't say whether or not I am upset about her leaving, as I have only seen her twice, however... I am not looking forward to introducing another person to my holiest of holes. It's kind of like bringing a new person into our relationship. Yeah... awkward, and a whole lot of false grooming.

Also- my endocrinologist is leaving the practice too... That's not such a big deal...he just poked at my thyroid and prescribed me drugs... (I like the drugs though).


We've both been pretty healthy, thank goodness... especially since we bought the house. I think once we settle down, we are both going to come down with a nasty case of something.
The house is doing well, now if it would only stop raining... I have had enough of this. I mean, since when did we secede to the Pacific Northwest? I demand a recount.
We have chipmunks... little bastards. There are holes in my backyard that are filling up with water. My yard is beginning to look like Bushwood Country Club... I am seriously considering hiring Carl the Greenskeeper to plant some C4 in the holes.

We are definitely happy to be in our own home though... It's kind of like that commercial, you know, the one where that couple are "dancing" in their apartment, and their landlord gives them a hard time, so they buy some kick ass speakers and the commercial ends with them "dancing" in the living room of their new single family home. That's what it feels like... lots of dancing to loud music, and trips to Home Depot. Oh yeah-- the song in that commercial is played by the Kings of Leon, whom opened up for U2 last night...

Speaking of U2... we were at the concert last night... FUCKING AMAZING. Almost as good as the Zoo TV tour. I have to say, Larry Mullen Jr. is a tasty little Lucky Charm. I would give my left arm to be his drum stool for one night. I am glad that I can now say that I saw U2 at the Garden... I didn't like calling that place the Fleet Center... it just sounds wrong... Fleet...isn't that a name of a company that manufactures enemas? The TD Banknorth Garden... Close enough. It will never be The Garden, but it's all that we can take for the time being... until it gets bought by Wal-Mart....or some other Corporate Goon.

Anyway--- U2 concert...totally worth the $165 we paid (plus $40 to be in the fan club!)

Stay dry friends... talk to you soon.... until then...

Wednesday.

I went back to work today after being irradiated on Feb. 14th. That sounds so dramatic... irradiated... I guess it sounds better than "I took a pill and needed to be isolated for a bit."
I have Thyroid Cancer...in case you didn't know. Actually, I shouldn't have cancer anymore... I should know more on Friday, that's when I have my full body scan. I think they will tell me if the cancer is gone or if it spread...let's hope it's gone.This is the scar from the surgery.


I was happy to go back to work today. It was great so see the girls. We had a lot of fun today. It's nice to know that my meds are working, and the the bipolar nanny has left the building. You never really know what certain parts of your body are for until a surgeon removes them. Like your thyroid... did you know what it does? I never knew that the thyroid produces hormones that control your moods... yeah... that's a good thing to know... when you have no thyroid and aren't on any medication, you feel like you have PMS all the time... and the memory lapses... that's no fun. I felt like I should be waiting for the short bus to pick me up. Carrying on a conversation or trying to give directions was impossible. "Um... go....left when you see the...oh what is it... not Home Goods... Home... Home... Home on the...no no no... Home Depot...that's it..."

OH... I should tell you about what went on yesterday too...
Jordan's furniture came out to fix our sofa and bed. The bed had a broken screw on a support piece that needed fixing and the sofa needed some upholstry fixing. Anyway...
Last time Jordan's came out to fix something, I did a quick clean up of the apartment... making sure there wasn't anything inappropriate around, like dirty clothes, books, just general crap clean up. Well, when Mr.Fix it showed up, I let him in and immediately noticed the HUGE vibrator on the coffee table. Ok..this isn't your typical vibrator...it was a gift given to me for my bridal shower- my cousin had hot glued some Ken clothes and sunglasses to it. It was called "Cumonawannalaya Ken". I had taken it out to show some friends a couple of nights before, and forgotten all about it.
I noticed the vibrator on the coffe table, tossed a sweatshirt over it and thought I could scoop it up before he would notice. WRONG. As soon as I scooped it up, the frigging thing turned on... so "buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" was coming out from the sweatshirt. I was so embarassed, and of course, I couldn't get the damn thing to shut off. I finally got it to shut up and went back into the living room and forgot all about it.

Well, this time, I thought I would do a preemptive strike... Looked everywhere I could think of to make sure that all questionable materials were out of sight... or so I thought.

Nick, the repair guy comes in and takes a look at the sofa... says he can fix it... nice.
Then he goes into the bedroom and takes a quick look at the support and says he can fix it, but we'll need to take off the mattress and box spring... "Fine," I think "All that's under the bed is the Hammock"
Well, as soon as we get the box spring up I realize what's under the bed, something that I had COMPLETELY forgotten about... a gift I had received at Christmas from my husband... a "
Cast your own member" kit... yes folks... a Make your own dildo kit... (It was a joke... but tossed under the bed until I could find an appropriate use for it...)
So, I slyly kicked it under the night stand and had a cocktail. Yeah... it was that type of day.

How was your week?